Just Another Ordinary Kinkster
August 2010: Kelly is with her current boyfriend, Mike, just talking. The conversation turns to past relationships. Kelly discusses her some-what submissive role in past relationships. After hearing this,
Mike suggests that she might be into BDSM or kink. Intrigued, Kelly decides to find out more and later discovers she is what is known as a submissive masochist who enjoys bondage.
BDSM is a compound acronym: the B and D stand for bondage and discipline, the D and S mean dominance and submission, and S and M represent sadism and masochism. Bondage and discipline are not necessarily connected. However, dominance necessitates submission and sadism goes with masochism. Bondage is related to having one partner tied up whereas discipline entails one partner “punishing” the other, for example, by not immediately giving into their wishes. When Kelly says she is submissive and masochistic, this means she likes being controlled by a dominant and takes pleasure in pain. As she puts it, “It just feels good to me”.
The types of pain activities that are common—and ones Kelly participates in—include biting, scratching, whipping, and dripping of hot wax onto the back. She also submits herself to what is known as artistic bondage. This involves intricate tying of rope to bind an individual. Kelly enjoyed many of these activities prior to knowing what it was identified as. As she further explains: “I enjoyed submission and restriction and pain—I am just exploring the specifics and my limits more in depth”. Kelly also models bondage gear and outfits such as gas masks. When I ask Kelly why she models gas masks she tells me that “It’s just a part of the
industrial/goth scene/steampunk style. The look is alien-like and there is a fascination in the extreme distortion of the face”.
Since discovering her place in the kink community, Kelly has built up a list of contacts and connection with others in the community. Her main resource has been Fetlife.com which she describes as “a Facebook for kinky people”. Kelly was introduced to the website when she went to her first rope convention, Bound in Boston. “There they asked an audience of 100+ people who had a profile [and] I was one of, like, six people who didn’t so they highly recommended I joined”. I asked how one chooses people to add. “People add because they met in real life at a con or they were already friends who had this in common and realized it.
Others add because they like someone’s profile, pictures, or writings. Others use it as a popularity contest”.
Many of the conventions, like Bound in Boston, teach safety classes that are a vital aspect of the BDSM community. There are also low-pressure social events known as “munches” that take place at restaurants. The date and location is posted on kink sites and community members will meet up. BDSM is usually what people will discuss but they are free to talk about anything.
Although BDSM is not unheard of to most, it can be confusing as to what separates it from “rough sex” and what it entails. The main difference is that kink related acts do not always involve sexual intercourse,
though it is commonly done that way. “You can beat the hell out of someone and not have sex” explains Kelly. Trust in a dominant/submissive relationship is essential. “I surrender all control and I am completely vulnerable. [The dominant] could cripple or kill me if they wanted to. It’s about trust that I am so vulnerable they won’t take advantage and they’ll care enough to stop when I ask and tend to my needs afterward”. Kelly also mentions that there is a “certain spirituality that when [BDSM and sex] combine it’s like ‘whoa!’”.
When it comes to relationships,bringing up involvement in the BDSM community can be daunting. “It’s an awkward segue. You ask questions: ‘What are you into? What do you do to spice it up?’ You start with the spectrum. ‘Are you into this?’ It depends on the context, situation, and repertoire with the individual".
In addition to relationship worries, there are legal concerns. When I ask Kelly if it ever crosses her mind she responds with an emphasized “Fuck yes!” Her major concern as a masochist is “if I’m bleeding all out, or someone whips too hard, or breaks something and I have to go to the emergency room someone can convict, try, and prosecute [the dominant] even though I consented. Even if I don’t want to take legal action the state can because any form of beating is against Massachusetts law”.
When asked how she deals with the law she responds, “It’s a don’t ask, don’t tell sort of thing. Basically, one must be SSC aware—Safe, Sane, and Consensual”.
In some long-term or lifetime dominant/submissive relationships, contracts can be written for“Gorean enslavement”. Kelly would consider this but contracts can be frightening if not done right. Ideally, a contract would only include consent to be a sex toy. In unfortunate cases, the submissive may unknowingly sign a contract where the dominant has complete control. For example, a male could “force” a female to have an abortion or hysterectomy if she has signed a contract without stating she is against that.
October 2011: Every Wednesday night Kelly drives to Club Hell to meet up with her friends for fetish night. She went there for the first time this past May, went on and off again for a few weeks starting in July, and has not missed one since August. There is one other passenger in the car, her friend Lexi. They have just come back from Kelly’s modeling shoot. It was successful and Kelly is anxiously awaiting the pictures. When we stop for gas, Kelly playfully demands that Lexi buy her three energy drinks because Lexi had broken her promise when she smoked a cigarette in the car. While Lexi goes to make the purchase Kelly says she could probably be a dominant “but if I hit a guy I’m afraid he could hit me back".
The club is small but has a good sized dance floor. The lighting is low but one can still see around the place and there are lasers all over the dance floor. There is a stage at the front where there are some shackles and whips. On the stage there are two scantily clad female workers. Over the course of the night a few people get their backs whipped but it is not the focus of attention.
Kelly informs me that this setup is only on fetish nights. In attempt to make me feel comfortable, she lets me know that only some people there are fets, some are regulars at the club, and others come “to gawk”.
The only thing close to a dress code is the requirement of dark clothing, typically black. Otherwise, it’s anything goes. Many of the girls are in nothing but underwear. Some don’t wear anything on the top except for black tape over their nipples. Kelly had warned me that it may be shocking but the fetish scene has a sense of personal openness and freedom that she loves. She says this sense is “not unfamiliar” but adds, “this degree of freedom is different from what I’ve experienced before”. Even though it is a chilly night, she is wearing only a bra with fishnet over it and a pair of boy shorts. She explains how she has gradually become more comfortable and thus, is wearing less each time. This being said, she doesn’t expect to be in underwear like some of the others.
For the next three hours, Kelly is in her element. She even succeeds in dancing with a well-groomed man she’s had her eye on for a while, “Schoolboy”. We’re finally pushed along out of the club at closing time and loiter in the parking lot, shooting the breeze. After getting sick of the cold, we move on to IHOP with the rest of Kelly’s friends. When I ask about choosing IHOP as their hangout they respond with their “motto” while bursting into laughter: “If you wanna get fucked, get the pancakes”.